Hero's and Celebrations
by Freyalou
Summary: A little story about Molly struggling with PTSD. Charles helps all he can but will Molly accept it? Will she ever get that calmness in her nut?
1. Chapter 1

**Hero's and Celebrations Chapter 1.**

 **Ok so this isn't completed story like I wanted it to be but I've decided to post if anyway just to see what you think. Please R &R and let me know. **

**Just a little something that slid into my brain during a bout of insomnia.**

 **Set after episode 5, but there was no final scene. The second tour ended badly for Molly and she's not in a good place. Can Charles get through?**

Email

To: charlesjames22

Hi Babes

Just a quick message while I'm still at the uni and I've got wifi. Will be heading back tomorrow via Bastian and will probably not manage contact from now on.

Can't believe it's all done and final students have left. I've had the best time ever. Having a special tea with Maytham and Nasarie tonight, they've popped out to get me some honey buns and other bits from the market. They're top guys, they've helped me massively and have a cracking sense of humour. I'll really miss them.

Can't wait for a hug and a massive bar of galaxy. Only 3 days and counting.

Love Molls xxx

The 3 days passed and Charles was expecting a call, a text message, something, in fact anything from Molly. He'd been trying to get in touch but nothing, no reply to her mobile and no answer to the messages and emails. A further week had passed.

Starting to panic he decided to use he connections in the army and managed to get her NOK detail from her personnel file. Armed with a telephone number he rang and spoke to Mrs Dawes

**OG**

Charles stood on the balcony outside the Dawes family home he'd knocked once normally and then hammered on the door. He was just about to resort to shouting though the letter box. Following his call with Molly's mum he was confident she would be in. He'd stand here all day if necessary.

The door opened. "Oh shit it's you" said Molly. She was stood in her pj's and dressing gown, her hair was scrapped back in a greasy pony tail and she had huge dark circles under red eyes.

"Jesus Molly your mum said you weren't right but my god are you ill?"

"No ... Yes... Well maybe. Oh I don't know. I just feel, well ..." Replied Molly with tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Are you going to invite me in or are we just going to stand here on the doorstep?"

Molly walked back into the house leaving Charles to follow in her wake. Molly flopped down on the sofa and picked up her mug. "Are you going to tell me what's happened? Why you haven't been in touch."

"I can't, I just can't ok. I'm sorry but I can't deal with this, us, the me and you thing. I just can't do any of it at the moment." Replied Molly taking a large mouthful from the mug.

"Molly something's happened and you need to tell me what" Charles got up and opened the curtains. Bright autumn sunlight flooded the room causing Molly to squint. "Last I heard YOU were happy and excited to be coming home, WE were making plans for our future then bang absolutely bloody nothing. I've been worried sick, thought something terrible had happened"

"It did" came a quiet reply.

"Well will you bloody tell me what? I'm not a mind reader all I can see is you like this. Are you sleeping, eating and looking after yourself because it doesn't look like it to me".

"I can't, I can't sleep my brain won't let me, I can't eat with out feeling sick, I can't do anything" she responded before taking a massive gulp from the mug.

"Molly are you drinking? What's in the cup?"

"So what if I am, it helps ok, it helps me to forget and then and only then can I get some bloody peace in here" she said banging the side of her head with the heal of her hand.

Charles reached over and took the mug away and placed it on the coffee table. He crouched down in front of where Molly was sat and tried to hug her but she fought him off. "You see these hands? There's more blood on them, again. People who come near me either get killed or seriously hurt. Lives wrecked one way or another and that is why I can't be around you, you might not be as lucky next time" she was stood up screaming the words out. Her voice was horse and snot and tears mixed together running down her face.

Charles grabbed her, wrapped his arms tightly round her and held her like this til she calmed down. "Shush, shush" he was rocking her like a small child with a grazed knee". He could feel the sobs that had been shaking his body starting to subside. "I'm not going anywhere, I'll take my chances. Now go and get a shower and I'll make you something to eat".

Eventually Molly moved out of his arms. "There'll be nowt in you know, never is." Said Molly over her shoulder as she walked upstairs.

Charles checked in the kitchen while Molly was in the shower. She was right the cupboards were pretty much empty. He decided that a trip to shops would be required.

Molly came back down stairs having showered and blasted her hair with the hair dryer. "Feel better?" Asked Charles.

"A bit" came the quiet reply.

"Your right you know, there's nothing I could make you to eat, so your going to have to take me to the shops."

"What outside? To the shops? I dunno, don't think I can"

"Yes, yes you can, come on the fresh air will do you good." He said passing her some trainers and a jacket.

"I really don't want to go out Charles, please I'm fine I'm really not hungry" Molly sat down on the sofa.

"Molly get these shoes on" he said sitting in front of her holding the trainer open and ready for her foot.

Ten minuets later they were in the shop at the top of the street. Molly was petrified, constantly looking over her shoulder. Beads of sweat were visible on her forehead and her hands were shaking deep in her pockets were she had rammed them.

They walked out of the shop and Molly froze on the street. "No no no NO" she cried getting louder and more panicked. Charles swung round and saw Molly standing in front of a big woman wearing a burqa.

"Molly it's ok, it's ok I promise. Look at me. Look straight at me" Charles held her face in his hands and forced her eyes to focus on him. "Breathe Molly, calm down and breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Now keep doing that and looking at me, that's it." Charles was worried Molly was having a full on panic attack in the middle of the street.

All of Molly's instincts were telling her to run and take cover. She knew Charles was talking sense and she followed his advice but she craved the sanctuary of the house again. "Are you ok, do you think you can walk again" Charles asked

Molly shook her head vigorously as if trying to clear fog in her head "thought it was him again, thought it was Badrai Just get me back, get me out of this hell hole".

They quickly retraced their steps back to the flats through the communal door and up the stairs. The door slammed shut at the bottom of the staircase which made Molly jump and run the last flight of stairs and along the balcony. By the time Charles had caught up Molly was fumbling with the key in the door lock.

"I fucking said no, I said I didn't want to go out. You forced me and now look" Molly was stood I the hallway sobbing. "You made that happen"

"Molly I'm so sorry. I didn't know that would happen". Charles took her in his arms and hugged her. He was just grateful that she would allow this closeness. It was obvious to him now that something had happened to Molly at the end of that second tour to trigger PTSD.

Charles went into the kitchen and set about cleaning up before making an omelette filled with cheese and ham. He placed it in front of Molly and watched as she struggled to eat it. He knew that talking about whatever incident had triggered the PTSD would help but only when the person was ready - Molly obviously wasn't. He also knew that peace and quiet would help. Long walks in the country and getting to grips with nature, not much chance of any of that round here.

"Molly you do know that your showing all the signs of post traumatic stress disorder, there are things we can do to help"

"I'm sad not mad" she snapped.

"I'm not saying that Molly. I'd never say that. I'm trying to tell you that with the right environment and techniques you will start to feel better"

"What makes you the fucking expert PTSD anyway?"

Charles knew Molly's temper would be part of the condition so did his best to ignore it. He took a deep inward breath and bit his bottom lip as he always did when he was thinking if the right thing to say. "Well as an officer I had training to spot the signs. But I have personal experience too. The check point left it's mark, the near death experience was hard to deal with. My rehab at Headley Court wasn't just leg exercises I had counselling too." His counselling was not something he ever talked about before but it opening up helped.

"Really?"

"Yes really, I had a few sessions with a top guy called Vince, he's excellent Molly I'm sure he could help you. He helped me to talk through the demons in my head and deal with some horrific nightmares.

"I've told you, I'm not mad and I don't need to see a fucking shrink". Spat Molly before storming out of the living room into the kitchen and scrapping the half eaten omelette in the bin then throwing the plate into the sink. She stood there with her hands on the sink and her head hung low. She wished she didn't feel like this, if this oppressive darkness would kindly fuck off she feel much better.

**OG**

By 3.30pm the house was filled shouting children. Molly had taken herself off to her room and shut the door. Charles spoke to Belinda "Is this how she's been since getting back"

"Yes pretty much, she avoids us mostly. Up in her room till the children go to bed and then comes down later"

Charles explained to Belinda all about what had happened at the shops with Molly's panic attack "she needs looking after, she needs peace and quiet and a routine but most of all she needs to speak to a therapist, someone to teacher how best to deal with how she is feeling".

"How do we do that" said Belinda still at the table and passing Charles a mug of tea "cheers for the milk by the way". She said holding up her mug.

"I don't know" said Charles rubbing the back of his neck. "Please don't take offence but I really don't think here is helping, do you know she was drinking wine when I arrived at 11am?"

Belinda was shocked, she knew Molly was bad but drinking during the day on her own, panic attacks and everything else she shook her head. "what can we do love? Her dad thinks she should just snap out of it, but that int gunna happen is it?"

Charles thought for a while "I have friends who have a holiday home in Chichester, I'm sure they'll let me rent it for a few weeks. There's lovely beaches and the South Downs for country walks and it's within driving distance of Headley Court."

"What's at Headley Court?"

"Sorry it's the Defence Services Medical Rehabilitation Centre. They have specialists who deal with PTSD as well as rehabilitation of injuries." Replied Charles. "She just needs to talk to someone professional to help her through this, these people are experts in the type of trauma Molly may have faced".

"I've told you many times I'm not going to see any head doctors. I'm fine I just need some time and peace and quiet to get my head sorted" said Molly from the doorway of the sitting room, were she had been stood listening to the conversation inside. "I'll go though because it ain't gunna happen here anytime soon" as two of her brothers barged passed in a mad rush to get prime spot in front of the telly.

**OG**

Two hours later after a few phone calls they were ready to set off. "Take care love and listen to Charles he seems to know what he's talking about" said Belinda giving Molly a big squeeze.

"Yes mum I will" Molly said as she got in to the passenger seat.

"I'll look after her I promise. I will do every thing I can to get her back to her normal self. I'll keep in touch just to let you know how she is getting on".

"Thanks love". Belinda watched as Charles got into the car and drove off down the street. She just wanted her Molls back and this seemed for the best, it hurt that she couldn't do it herself but she was clueless.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you all so much for your lovely reviews. Hope to god I can do this justice. Please continue to read and review. Thanks x**

Chapter 2

Twenty of driving and they had finally reached the M25. "Here can you tune this in to watch Enders?" Asked Molly pointing to a large screen on the dash board.

"Er no it's the parking camera" replied Charles.

"Seriously? Fucking hell. What about this one?" Said Molly pointing to the sat nav screen? What about this? It's like a bleeding cockpit"

Charles laughed. "Are you taking the piss out of my car Dawesy?"

"Come on you've got to admit it's a bit poncey"

"Shush don't listen to her baby" he said stroking the stirring wheel for effect, whilst laughing away. His Audi Q7 was his pride a joy. He'd spent ages searching all over the country for the right car, it wasn't brand new but still cost and arm and a leg. However he'd told himself it was worth every penny. But just for today he'd allow Molly to rip the piss all she wanted. Just glad to see a spark of the old Molly back.

Before to long the combination of motor way driving, darkness and the swish, swish of the automatic wipers Molly had drifted off. Charles looked across at her, she finally looked peaceful, less haunted. At that point he vowed to never let her out of his sight until she was better. He smiled and reached over to hold her hand, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb.

"Molly wake up, wake up we're here" said Charles as he gently shook her shoulder.

"Huh" said Molly opening her eyes and trying to take in her new surrounding. They were parked up outside an old looking pub.

"I just have to pop in the pub and collect the keys from the Landlady then we'll be good to go. The cottage is just down the road on the left" he gave Molly a quick kiss on the top of her head and jumped out of the car and straight into the pub.

Molly was looking around scared in the unfamiliar surroundings, her head was turning this way and that as she was trying to make things out in the dark shadows. Panic was starting to rise in her sub conscious. Just then the car door opened and Molly jumped high in her seat "Jesus Christ" she said with her hand on her chest.

"Sorry I didn't mean to startle you" said Charles starting the car and shifting it into drive.

**OG**

The cottage was a tiny two up two down affair, very old, quaint, relatively basic and exactly how Charles remembered it.

They had ordered a takeaway for dinner as it was late and Charles was starving. Molly had impressed herself with how much she ate. She'd found her appetite but there was little wonder as she had hardly eaten in the last four days. Afterwards they'd sat watching the telly for an hour or so before going to bed.

"Are you going to lay down Molly?"

"No I'm just gonna go on my phone for a bit"

An hour later Charles woke up to find Molly asleep sat up with phone in her hand. He took the phone off her and placed it on the beside table. "Come on Molly lay down" he said lifting the covers and encouraging her to lay down.

"Bad shit happens when I lay down to sleep" she mumbled as she snuggled down spooned against Charles chest.

He wrapped his arm around her "it will be alright I'm here and I won't let anything happen". Molly was so exhausted that she soon fell fast asleep.

Two hours later and Molly woke up in a blind terror. She was shaking, sweating and sobbing. She had just had the most vivid and terrifying dream. She had been back in Afghan in the village next to the FOB. It was the day they had been looking for Bashira to move her to safety. They had forced entry to the family home but she wasn't there. They heard Brains on the radio. "I've got eyes on Bashira. She's in the market place but something wrong, the locals are backing off, looking very twitchy Boss". It was like Molly was watching as a third party. She saw herself and Charles run into the market square, Qaseem spoke to Bashira in Pashto telling her to lift her arms. The little girl did as she was instructed and showed the suicide vest. Molly could hear all the soldiers shouting at her to stay still, keep her arms raised. Then she saw herself take off her helmet and vest and walk towards Bashira. "Your the bravest little girl ever. You've just got to stay still while someone comes to take this off you then we can play Shan chil bassie. Everything is going to be ok I promise you"

"Am I going to die?" Asked the scared little girl. Then boom the vest exploded, Bashira was no longer there and all Molly could see was red. She was trying to search frantically, she couldn't see herself or Bashira anymore.

Then she woke up crying same as she had done every single night since Maytham and Nasarie had been killed. The dreams changed but the results were always the same - death.

She got up trying not to wake Charles, she grabbed his jumper off the chair and walked downstairs. The log burner was starting to burn out so she put a couple more chunks of wood on and sat down to watch the flames pick up. She watched for what felt like hours before finally nodding off sat on the floor with her back resting against the sofa. This was how Charles found her in the morning.

"Molly what are you doing down here on the floor?" He asked it was 5.30am in the morning and he'd just woke up to find her missing.

"Oh you know, just the usual" she replied getting up from the floor and sitting on the sofa rubbing her neck in the process.

"What's that then? Are you having nightmares or insomnia. What is it Molly. Tell me, tell me what's happening."

"Every time when I finally fall asleep I have the most horrendous nightmares. Each night someone dies, it could be you, Smurf, it's even been Sohail and now I've got two more people to add to the collection. Last night I watched Bashira be red misted under the suicide vest. And then I wake up in a state. I god damn hate it. I've tried everything to stop it but it won't". Molly was crying again.

"Oh Molly I wish you'd let me get you some help" he said sitting on

the sofa next her enveloping her in a hug. They stayed like that for a while and Charles knew that Molly had fallen asleep. He reached over the back of the sofa and got a blanket which he pulled over them both. He couldn't move desperate not to disturb her he eventually drifted off too.

Charles was woken by his mobile phone text alert.

Text from mum

"Charles don't know where you are. Tell me you haven't forgotten that your looking after Barney while your dad and I go on holiday. Worried as we should set off in an hour M xx"

Shit the dog. With everything going on yesterday he'd totally forgot. He'd only told his mother he would be visiting Molly but likely to be back the same night, not planning to say away for days.

Text reply

"Sorry mum. Hadn't forgot about the B-dog will be home at lunch time. Really worried about Molly. Showing signs of bad PTSD. Needed to get her somewhere quiet so stopping at Janes in Chichester for a while. Will it be ok to bring B here?

Text from mum

The dogs name is Barney, Charles! Take him wherever just make sure you look after him. Two meals a day, lots of walkies. You know the drill. Get Molly to see Vince, he worked wonders for you. M x

Text reply

Thanks mum, I'm trying but it's not easy. Have a lovely time x

Molly woke up and stretched. "Sorry about that" she said. She had lines down the side of her face were she'd been laying against Charles t-shirt.

"Nothing to be worried about. Let me make you a cup of tea". Grateful that Jane had kindly got tea, coffee, milk, butter, bread and jam in so that they didn't have to worry about breakfast.

Charles came back down after his shower. "Right today Dawsey we need to go to Bath".

"We do?" Molly was still sitting in Charles jumper on the sofa.

"Yes we do. Yesterday they were worn normally, today they're inside out, if we don't go to Bath today I'll be commando in the morning. My girlfriend has also taken my only jumper". This made Molly laugh. "And there's a small issue about a dog." He said holding his hand to about knee height to indicate Barney's size.

"A dog?"

"Yep. Are you ok with that? He belongs to my mum and dad but they've gone on holiday again and I'd promised to look after him. I'd totally forgot til she texted this morning."

"Nah that's fine as long as he doesn't sniff my crotch and nick food off my plate" replied Molly.

"I can't promise anything. He is often referred to as B-dog or Little B because he has his moments. He's a Miniature Schnauzer cross with a Lakeland terrier. You'll love him. Here look." Charles passed his phone over to show Molly a picture.

"Aw bless him. Look at that little teddy bear face" standard response thought Charles. Walking Barney was a pain in the arse, just like taking Sam for walk when he was a baby, people would stop and talk to you about how beautiful he was. Shopping used to be a nightmare.

The trip to Bath has been quite uneventful. Molly loved Barney as expected. After an hour turn round they headed straight back. Fortunately Molly slept part of the way home and missed the accident on the motorway. Charles hadn't known if it would trigger a panic attack.

She woke up just after they pulled off the motor way at a service station to fill up. Molly yawned and stretched. "Can you get me some chocolate please?" She said as he walked off to pay.

Charles walked back to the car. "Here you go" he said and passed her a banana.

"What's that?" Asked Molly.

"Erm a banana" said Charles playfully.

"I can see that" said Molly laughing "I mean where's my chocolate?" She asked.

Charles realised this wasn't going to be well received knowing about Molly's sweet tooth. "Molly I don't think you should be eating chocolate and other sugary sweets, they will only serve to give you a massive high for a short period and then dip straight back again"

"You're kidding right?"

"No and while were talking about it I think we should switch to decaf tea bags and stop drinking those nasty energy drinks as caffeine won't be helping your sleep pattern either"

"You're yanking my chain. Refusing to buy me a bar of chocolate is bad, really bad, but let me make this clear you are not messing with my fucking tea bags"

"I'm doing it for you Molls, I promise I'm doing this for all the right reasons. Your body needs to be clean of all stimulants, get back to natural sugars they're much better for you. It will help you get some balance back, you can't carry on using these things as a crutch."

"Well you can stick your banana up your arse" Molly retorted as she sat in the car with her arms folded like a sulking child. The remainder of the journey passed in silence.

"You hypocritical wanker" laughed Molly as they unloaded the car and she saw his coffee machine "I've a good mind to drag it out and drop it on the floor, bet there's more caffeine in one of your poxy coffees than 20 of my tea bags!"

"Not fucking likely Dawesy" he could see she was playing so he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder whilst pressing the button to shut the boot lid, he walked into the house with her squealing to be but down. A play fight followed and Charles thought it was all going well he'd got his Molly back for a while, until Barney peed on the floor in excitement and killed the moment. 'Oh well he thought, at least she's talking to me which is something.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all so much for your reviews. Barney is based on my aunties dog which is the cutest most adorable thing you have ever seen till he goes into twat mode.**

 **I have no personal experience of PTSD, just the knowledge gained from google. I hope I can do it justice. Please continue to read and review**.

Chapter 3

Molly say bolt up right in bed screaming and crying. Eyes wide open but still caught in the mist of what appeared to be a terrible nightmare. Charles woke up immediately and hugged her tight rocking her, trying desperately to comfort her and wake her up without startling her. "Shush Molly it's alright, it's just a dream, you're not there you're here with me safe and sound" he repeated this over and over til the screaming subsided and Molly went limp in his arms.

"Was it a bad one sweetheart?" He asked when she finally lifted her head off his chest. "Want to tell me about it?"

"Sorry about that" said Molly wiping her eyes and blowing her nose. "It was just a repeat"

"A what?" said Charles raising a questioning eye brow.

"You know like a repeat on the telly, but this isn't a funny comedy. It's been nearly three weeks since this hell started and I think that has been the fourth if not fifth visit to the CP and that sodding bridge".

"Oh Molly" he said reaching out and taking her back in to a hug.

"We're on the bridge and everything plays out as it was. We walk up to the truck then Smurf shoots the goat and you go to him and tell him to put his weapon down, Smurf refuses and you argue. All the while I'm looking at the truck, I make eye contact with Badria, he gets up and lifts a gun that he was hiding under his clothes. I'm shouting to you and the rest of the section to take cover but no sound leaves my mouth. You hear the commotion, the women screaming in the truck, you turn and raise your weapon but he shoots you twice and you fall to the floor. Then I'm running or trying to run to you, I want to but my legs won't lift, I can't move. I can't get to you to save your life. Your bleeding out in front of me and there's nothing I can do, I just can't reach you. Bullets are flying passed me. I feel so helpless, so fucking useless and it's all my fault. I should be able to shout, be able to run and help you, I try, god knows each time I try. Then I wake up in this state". She said giving a big sniff.

Charles moved Molly away just far enough so that he could look into her eyes. He cupped her face in his hands and reached down and kissed her. "I promise you that I am 100% here, by your side and you will get better" he kissed her again before breaking away. "Fancy a cuppa? I need to get up anyway to let B out"

"I'll come down with you" replied Molly reaching over and grabbing the jumper she had been wearing this morning.

"I'm sorry for spoiling your sleep again" said Molly sitting on the sofa under a blanket curled up next to Charles with Barney snuggled up on her feet at the other end.

"Doesn't matter to me Molly. As Captain I was often working while you lot were tucked up in your pits. You kind of get conditioned to grabbing what little kip you can where you can. Anyway what sort of boyfriend would I be if I rolled over and told you to shut up?"

Molly giggled. "A shit one". One by one they all dropped off.

-OG-

The day was spent exploring the coast. There was a cold wind blowing off the sea but the sky had remained relatively clear. They had talked and laughed like they always used to. Molly was starting to like Charles's version of therapy, the peace and quiet of the desolate beach on a cold November afternoon was good, miles better that the crowded streets near her home.

They had started to head back as the tide came in. Walking up to a public toilet Molly announced she was desperate to for a wee. "I'll just be a minuet" she said heading inside leaving Charles and Barney stood outside.

A woman and two screaming children walked in shortly after. 'My god that's some bloody racket they're making' thought Charles. Remembering times when Sam had gone through the terrible two's and some of the temper tantrums he'd had. Eventually the woman and children left and Charles was still stood there. Five minuets turned to ten minuets he was starting to get worried.

Meanwhile inside the toilets Molly was in a state. The screaming children had caused her to have a flash back. She was in the room in Kabul waiting with Maytham and Nasarie wives and five children when a man come in and said something in Pashto to the women the caused them to wail and scream hysterically. For a while she had no idea what had happened until someone thought to explain that the men had been killed by a suicide bomber near the market. Then and only then did she understand, her friends had been killed because of her. She had asked them to pop to the market nobody else just her.

She sat crouched up on the toilet seat hands over her ears trying to block out the screaming but not really sure if it was outside or in her head. She couldn't breathe properly and was aware that she was starting to hyperventilate but could seem to get any air in her chest.

Charles decided that he would have to go in. He walked up to the female attendant and explained the situation. "Excuse me but my girlfriend is in the toilets and I think she might be ill could I go and check on her please" he asked.

"Sorry love I can't let you do that" the old lady said.

Charles took a breath rubbing the back of his neck "ok well would you mind just popping in a checking for me please"

"Ok love I'll have a look" she said as she shuffled off. She quickly came back and said "in you go love but try to be quick please"

Charles handed the lady Barney. He walked in and found one cubical shut "Molly are you ok, can you come out please"

"No and no" she replied.

Charles climbed on top of the toilet in the next cubical to look over to where Molly was. "If you won't come out can you let me in please? Preferably by opening the door."

Molly got up and open the door before climbing back on the seat. Charles looked at Molly he could see fear and panic in her eyes. "Look at me Molly. Breathe in through your nose out through your mouth, keep looking at me and keep breathing. Your here with me, your safe I won't let anything happen to you, that's it, keep doing that"

Two minuets of breathing like this and Molly was starting to feel slightly better. She stood up, Charles held out and hand to steady her. "Come on let's get you home" he said. Walking out he stopped at the attendant desk to collect Barney who was curled up looking at home. "Thank you" he said popping £5 note in the tip jar.

Back home Molly sat on the sofa "Felt ok today, I was actually happy and enjoying myself for a couple of hours til that episode in the toilets. Back to before now though" tears were running silently down her face. "I'm so sick of feeling like this it's total shitness, I'm off for a bath" she said getting up and walking passed Charles.

An hour and a half later and Charles went up to check on her. He found Molly fast asleep in bed with Barney curled up at the bottom of the bed also fast asleep. He stood in the doorway looking at the woman he loved, she was wasting away in front of him, it was breaking his heart to watch. He knew she was stubborn and had refused all offers of help but this couldn't carry on. If Mohammed wouldn't go to the mountain then he would have a friendly chat with the mountain and invite him for dinner tomorrow.

"Hello Vince it's Charles. Are you well? Yes good. I've got a bit of a problem I need your help with" he explained all about Molly's symptoms and her refusal to seek any type of help. Vince reluctantly agreed to the invite. He couldn't take clients on unknowingly but what harm could a chat do. Feeling better after making this arrangement Charles sat and ate his dinner.

Molly had two nightmares that night one that woke her up at 9.30pm which led her to go downstairs and find Charles sat in front of the telly. The other was at four in the morning but she managed to creep downstairs only waking Barney.

The following day passed without incident or panic attack. Back home after a long walk Molly went up to get changed. While she was there Vince arrived. Charles introduced him when Molly came down. As expected she flew into a rage "that's proper fucking shit Charles, you knew I didn't want this, I fucking said enough times. Can't believe you did such a knobish thing. I fucking trusted YOU, we'll take at your pace you said. And now you've gone behind my back and done the one thing I explicitly said not to. Fuck you Charles"


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the long delay posting this. I've hit a wall and have really struggled with it. Please read and review just so that I know it's not complete pants x**

 **Chapter 4**

 **"Charles it's probably best you go out for a bit and let me talk to Molly alone" said Vince**

 **"Well if your sure" Charles got Barney's lead and whistled to the dog, whilst grabbing his coat. "See you in a bit, good luck"**

 **Vince walked back to the sitting room and sat next to Molly "you know that he really loves you and that he's really worried about you."**

 **"He's got a funny way of showing it" replied Molly sulkily.**

 **"Well there's no rule book when it comes to this sort of thing. He's just one person trying to do his best for the woman who he obviously loves"**

 **"Really? He's got a funny way of showing it"**

 **"Let's talk about you then?"**

 **"I don't want to."**

 **"Well we can sit here in silence which is boring or you can tell me a bit about yourself. It's your choice."**

 **"Nothing to say really, two tours of Afghan both went to shit, messes with your head a bit that's all, I'm not mad I'm just trying my best to deal with it." Replied Molly.**

 **"Nobody is saying you are mad, far from it. But answer me this... Do you feel like you have a heavy weight, like dark cloud that suffocates you, one that you can't shake off no matter what"**

 **Molly nodded her head.**

 **"Can you sleep, or is your sleep constantly filled with the most vivid and realistic nightmares all based about your experiences"Molly nodded**

 **"Bet your not eating either, no appetite for anything" another nod from Molly.**

 **"Do you experience panic attacks, moments when you can't breathe, your so scared that you feel like your chest is squashed by a ten tonne weight, you shake and sweat uncontrollably"Molly nodded again.**

 **"What about guilt, self loathing, are you blaming yourself for anything and everything? Have I missed anything?" Asked Vince.**

 **"No you've pretty much covered everything" Molly replied. In ten minuets Vince had covered every single shitty feeling she'd had for the last three weeks. "What's the diagnosis then? Full on nut job?"**

 **Vince laughed "no Molly not at all. If you let me help you I can give you some techniques to help you deal with things. I'll let you think about it over the weekend but if your ready for help I have a spare at 11am**

 **Monday. Now what's for dinner I'm starving?"**

 **"I ain't a scooby to be honest Charles has been taking care of cooking, I can't be arsed at the moment and even if I was I can't cook"**

 **"Right let's have a look shall we? There's mince, carrots and some potatoes in the fridge, reckon we could knock up a shepherds pie together" said Vince with his head in the fridge.**

 **Molly got up to help Vince in the kitchen. Over the next hour Molly discovered that Vince and Charles had been friends since Sandhurst. They had set off on their first tour together but Vince was home early minus the lower half of his left leg after standing on an IED. He'd suffered PTSD came out the other side and decided to retrain and help other soldiers. He had seen**

 **Charles earlier this year as a patient and friend.**

 **"Here I'm well chuffed with that" said Molly taking the pie out of the oven. "I only ever cook things that take 20 minuets on 200 or ping dinners" she said smiling.**

 **"What the hells a ping dinner?"**

 **"Microwave meal" laughed Molly.**

 **Vince walked across the kitchen and picked up Molly's phone. He passed it to her "I think it's time to let Jamesy back home".**

 **"Jamesy never heard him called that before." Said Molly chuckling.**

 **Text to Charles**

 **'Sorry I've been a cow, again. It's safe to come home. I've no humble pie but we've made a belting shepherds pie. Love M xx' then she attached a photo and sent the message.**

 **Ten minuets later Charles walked in with Barney tucked under his arm. Molly walked towards the door "I'm sorry, truly I am, sometimes I just don't know who I am at the moment and I know it's no excuse but my temper is just shocking and I really just think I have no control".**

 **"It's ok I promise" Charles took her face in her hands and kissed her lightly in the lips.**

 **"Oi get a room, I'm bloody starving and you promised me dinner. It's shit enough that I've had to bloody cook it." Shouted Vince from the kitchen while he searched for plates and cutlery.**

 **They spent the evening laughing and joking. Charles and Vince talked about some of the scrapes they got into when they were at Sandhurst.**

 **"Remember that day when they dumped us in the middle of nowhere with no kit, no rations just a fucking live rabbit, a map,a map reference that was over 50 miles away and a limited time scale and a task force on our arse trying to capture us" Said Charles.**

 **"Yes that was particularly grim weekend and it rained constantly. I remember been so cold and tired that I feel asleep in the bath afterwards. And blisters like you wouldn't believe Molly." Laughed Vince.**

 **"Oh I've dealt with plenty of blisters and stinky feet". Replied Molly. "What did you do?"**

 **"Argued a lot. There was six of us, some wanted to walk to the nearest civilisation which was about 10 miles and cadge a lift while the others wanted to go all Bear Grylls and rough it"**

 **"It was a fucking training exercise of course we had to rough it. Eat the rabbit and get running" replied Charles.**

 **"Nah nobody said we couldn't use transport. The brief was to get to the destination by nightfall on Sunday. No detail on how we did it."**

 **"What was the right answer then?" Asked Molly.**

 **"Turns out that there wasn't one but 'Mr I've got to do it right' made us bloody run."**

 **"And the rabbit?" Asked Molly**

 **"Fucking escaped" said Charles.**

 **They all laughed.**

 **Molly found out that Charles had always been a 'by the book' kind of guy. Didn't like short cuts or cheats just plain hard work. Vince on the other hand was the opposit. If there was a quick way, an easy way then why make life difficult.**

 **The evening passed quickly and soon Vince was getting ready to head back. "Thank you" said Charles giving him a pat on the shoulder.**

 **"My pleasure with a bit of help we'll soon get her sorted"**

 **Molly walked in from the kitchen into the hall way. "Maybe see you Monday then?" Said Vince reaching down and giving Molly a quick kiss on the cheek.**

 **"Yer maybe" she replied with a smile. "Nice to meet you Vince."**

 ****OG****

 **Molly was laid in bed in the midst of one of her techi coloured fucking awful nightmares. This one was so bad the minute she opened her eyes she knew instantly she was going to be sick. She jumped out of bed and ran straight to the bathroom and threw up down the toilet. She had woken Barney up with her quick movements which made him bark and stand in the bedroom doorway not sure what was happening. Charles woke up in the commotion headed to the bathroom. He tripped over Barney causing the dog to let out a massive yelp. "Bastard dog" said Charles as he crashed into the toilet door frame banging his head. "Hi" he said to Molly who looked up from her spot on the floor.**

 **"Hi yourself" she said wiping her mouth on some toilet roll and getting up to flush the toilet. "Are you ok?" She asked looking at Charles who was holding his head covering his left eye.**

 **"Me? I'm fine. You?" He replied.**

 **"Maggots, here let me have a look?" She swilled her mouth out and got up to looked at Charles's head. "Your gonna have a lovely bruise there in the morning. Here let me get sommat for it"**

 **"Maggots what the fuck are you on about?"**

 **"In my nightmare, there were maggots crawling out of Smurfs face as he laid on the pitch at Upton Park"**

 **"God Molly you can't carry on like this night after night."**

 **"I know, I'm sorry." She replied. And she did know and she was truly sorry. She could see that her shitty nightmares were not only the cause of many sleepless nights but Charles now had the makings of a black eye, again she felt responsible. "Cup of tea?"**

 **"Yes please" he replied looking at his eye in the bathroom mirror.**

 **"Ok just let me brush my teeth".**

 **Molly went to the kitchen looking for something to use as a cold compress. 'Ice cubes and a tea towel will have to do' she thought and took them back upstairs.**

 **"I really am sorry" said Molly ten minuets later when they were sat in bed with their tea. "I will go and see Vince on Monday, see what he can do".**

 **"How sorry? Really, really sorry or just a bit sorry" said Charles putting his tea on the bedside table and kicking Barney on the floor "get in your bed B" he reached over and kissed Molly to which she responded by putting her tea down.**

 **"I'll show you shall I?" She reached her hand up and round the back of his neck, she kissed him with force opening her mouth to allow access for his tongue to sweep inside. She laid down with Charles next to her.**

 **"Are you ok with this?" He asked.**

 **"Yes I'm here aren't I" as she rubbed her hand over his firm chest before pulling him in for another kiss. Her shorts and vest were soon discarded on the floor.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Just a short one detailing Molly's first session with Vince. Fortunately I've never been in Molly's situation, so sorry if this us not true to life but this is fiction after all.**

 **Please read and review for me x**

Chapter 5

Monday arrived following a very restless night for Molly. She had been terrified that if she fell to sleep she would wake up and a repeat of 'maggot night' would happen, worried she would hurt Charles yet again. There was also the underlying stress of not knowing what to expect at her session today. The not knowing was doing her head in, but also she didn't want to talk about it either so she wasn't going to ask.

Charles dropped Molly off at the door. "You just need to go through the double doors, down the corridor and it's the second door on your right, kind of like a waiting room, wait there and Vince will get you when he's ready. I'll be back here at 12 ok?"

Molly nodded. "Can't you come with me?"

"You'll be fine, It's nothing to worry about, your just going to talk nothing else. I'll be right here waiting for you to come out. "

"I know, I'm just being silly" she said getting out the car.

Molly walked through the double doors and was halfway down the corridor when she saw Vince. "Hi Molly. I was wondering if you would turn up. Come through this way".

Molly followed Vince through the waiting room and into his office. She stood in the doorway. "Come in Molly, sit down"

"Where do I sit?"

"Your choice Molly hard chair or arm chair whatever you feel comfortable with." Molly made her was to the armchair and sat on the edge. "What made you decide to come?" Asked Vince.

"It's a long story but it involved maggots and a door frame. I realised that it's not just me that's hurting with this, it's affecting others too"

"Your right Molly. A broken solider often feels very isolated but is often surrounded by a broken family too. PTSD affects those around the sufferer in many ways. Cup of tea?"

"Yes please".

Vince walked over to the armchairs and put a cup of tea down in front if Molly. "Here you go"

"Thanks" replied Molly picking up the cup and cradling it in her hands.

"So here's how this works, you need to decide how we progress. You have options we can prescribe medication to help with the depression and also something to help you sleep or you can decide"

"Stop. I don't want any of that. I don't think that would help me to deal with it, just mask the problem"

"I've got some leaflets for you to read, your decision today doesn't need to be final but there is no shame in it, some people actually find it helps."

"Oh it is final Vince, I can't bare the thought of not being alert. I remember my nan when she had 'em after grandad died. All over the joint and just well not really at home."

"Ok fair point. Shall we start with your panic attacks?"

"Ok" said Molly staring down at the mug in her hands.

"Can you tell me what triggers them?"

"I don't know, it can be a sound or I can see something that brings on a flash back. But they're so real it's like I'm transported back to Afghan reliving that hell all over."

"And how do you feel?"

"I'm so scared, I shake, I can't breathe, my instinct tells me to run but quite often I'm frozen to the spot. I can't hear anything but the noise in my head and like a whooshing in my ears. It's horrid I try to avoid going to situations were I know it may happen. Stupid really but it's why I had to leave my mums, too much noise, chaos and triggers every time I left the house. I had practically become housebound."

"Ok Molly I'm going to give you a technique which can help with this. It's called grounding and it will help you to regain a sense of control in these situations. When you start to feel that panic rise up in your chest you need to look around and make a mental note of five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. This should hopefully take your mind off the panic, it does take practice so don't expect to be cured immediately." He handed Molly an advice note on grounding.

"Right for our next session I want you to do a bit of homework"

"Homework, shit I was never very good with that. Well in fact I just didn't do it and would then skive off school the day it was due in"

Vince laughed "I want you to make me a list of all the people and events that you think might have effected you. Doesn't have to be the recent events can be anything. Is that doable?"

"Yeah I reckon I can manage that."

"So tell me how's Jamesy been looking after you? Bet he's been marching you all over hasn't he?" Said Vince putting his empty cup on the table a relaxing back in the chair.

Molly laughed. "He has, we've walked miles in the last week. Loads of seaside walks and country walks too. I never thought I would enjoy the countryside so much. Trees used to give me the willys but I'm getting used to it." They chatted for a while about the places they had visited "He's been brilliant on the whole mind you he really pissed me off the other day. He refused to buy me a bar of chocolate, said I had to cut out all stimulants including chocolate and gave me a fucking banana, I've got a killer sweet tooth an all"

"Oh that's bad, hang on a sec" Vince got up from his armchair and walked to his desk. He came back and handed Molly three milkyways from a tin of celebrations. "All I've got left in afraid. I can see were he's coming from but a little bit of chocolate isn't going to hurt. I'd stay away from the monsterade and red bull though"

"I feel a bit bad now. When he found me at my mums I was drinking wine during the day to block the shit out and then I would pass out, I was knocking back Red Bulls during the night to try and stay awake to avoid the nightmares"

"Don't worry, you were just doing your best to cope. If you've knocked all that on the head then your on the right track. Right our times up I'm afraid."

"Really? It's been an hour already?"

"Yes Im afraid so. I take it your happy to continue and come back again?"

"Yeah I'll give it a try, but I've got to tell you these are shit. Everyone knows that nobody likes the milkyways in celebrations bet they've been rotting in your draw for ages"

Vince laughed "Same time on Monday? I'll get fresh chocolates"

"Deal" said Molly getting up.

"I'll walk you out" said Vince holding the door open.

"Ok well I've got to warn you that Charles has a right shinner."

"Really, how's he done that?"

"It was my fault. Maggots and the door frame. I'll tell you about it next time."

"I'm intrigued" replied Vince walking out into the car park.

Charles was sat with the engine running. He had clocked Vince walking with Molly and turned his head away. Knowing his friend had probably come for a gawp he took his sunglasses off to reveal his eye which was at the lovely bluey, purple green stage.

"Wow that's a belter" said Vince laughing.

"Glad you think it's funny, I've had some real strange looks from people"

"See you next week Molly and don't forget your homework" shouted Vince while still laughing as Molly got in the car. As Charles drove off Vince stood and waved.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes we just talked about stuff you know and he gave me some tips for my panic attacks. A thing called grounding that should an effect take my mind of the cause of the panic."


	6. Chapter 6

**Here is the next instalment for you. The** toilet **roll incident is based on real life, my childhood dog liked nothing better than to shred tissues and loo rolls.**

 **Please read and review. As always I worry that I've bitten off more than I can chew tackling PTSD, I hope I can do it justice and it's not just mindless drivel. Your lovely comments keep me going, so thank you.**

Chapter 6

Wednesday they took another walk along the beach at Bognor Regis. The sky was overcast and a strong breeze blew off the sea. "Perfect weather for flying a kite" mused Charles.

"Really? I wouldn't know, I've never flown a kite?"

"Honestly?"

"Yep, there was no where near us that you could fly a kite. Too many tower blocks, there was a small grassed area about five minuets away from our house but we never went there because it wasn't really a safe. Broken glass, gangs of kids causing trouble and that sort if thing."

"That's a bit sad."

"It's what we was used to, didn't know any different. Do you think that shop will sell kites? I fancy having a go".

"Only one way to find out Dawsey" said Charles walking off towards the shop. "Come on".

Twenty minuets later and they were set up and ready to go. "Right when I give you the nod you need to run like mad then when you feel the wind take the kite let go". Said Charles. "Ready steady go Molly, go"

Molly ran as fast as she could and then let go of the kite, stopping to watch it fly up in the air. Charles walked up and handed the strings over to Molly. "Here you go"

"Wow it's flying,... check me out I'm flying a kite". Molly was beaming "I always thought that kites were one of life's great disappointments. You know like when you see a picture of something on the box and it fills you full of promise and then you try it out and it turns to shit."

Charles stood behind her and reached round to place his hands over Molly's moving her hands this way and that to make the kite dive and soar through the sky. "Just a case of the right weather, a kite and a bit of knowledge."

"Can we do one of those loop the loopy things?" Asked Molly.

"Don't push it" laughed Charles.

They spent over an hour and a half flying the kite and playing fetch with Barney before reluctantly heading back. They left Barney shut in the kitchen of the cottage and headed back out to a little tea room on the main road. While they were sat eating sandwiches Molly heard the unmistakeable ping of incoming mail. She took her phone out of her pocket and opened the message. It wasn't her normal type of message. No sale notification or online discount code. It was an email from her CO Captain Johnson. She read the message before dropping the phone on the table clattering it against her cup and saucer and spilling her tea.

"What's the matter?" Asked Charles doing his best to clean up the mess with a napkin.

Molly was sat with her head in her hands, her face covered. "What's wrong Molly? Are you having a panic attack? Can you remember the grounding thing? Five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can ... What the fuck was number three. Come on Molly help me out."

"Hear, it's three things you can hear and no I'm not having a panic attack I'm just having a moment ok? Here" she passed her phone over showing the email.

"It says you are to report for duty on

Monday."

"I know"

"I just presumed you were on sick leave, are you not?"

Molly shook her head tears running down her face. "I didn't know I was ill, still don't really."

"Shit I didn't think I just presumed. I'm sorry I should of thought"

"Don't beat yourself up it's my mess" sniffed Molly.

"You can not return to active service Molly, you do know that don't you? There is absolutely no way"

"I know, I know, I just don't know what to do"

"We need to think about this, think about the best way to advise them that your not fit for service. I think you should ring Captain Johnson and ask for an appointment. I've always found fronting up face to face is best. Don't you?"

Molly nodded her head fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. "And say what? I don't have a clue what to say"

"You just need to ask for an appointment to see him in private at barracks, that should do for a start."

"Ok I'll do it later" said Molly obviously putting off making the call.

"Molly now, do it now. If you put it off you will feel worse" he said passing the phone over.

"Oh for fucks sake" said Molly snatching the phone dialling the number with shaking fingers. "Hello it's Private Dawes I'd like to speak to Captain Johnson please." She waited for the call to be put through. "Hello sir it's Private Dawes I've just seen the email that you sent about returning to duty next week. I need to come and see you before then to discuss it. Molly listened and nodded "yes it's a problem". She shook her head "I don't think I can do it sir." Charles could see the tears building and hear her voice starting to shake. "Yes I can make Friday at 11am, thank you sir. Goodbye." She hung up and then tried to unravel the napkin that she'd balled up in her hand during the conversation. She gave up and pulled the sleeve of her jumper down and wiped her eyes on that instead. Charles reached over and gave her hand a squeeze.

"Sorry it's none of my business" said Doris, the owner of the tea shop. "I could see your a little bit upset and I just thought this would help" she said placing two plates both containing large slices of the most delicious looking chocolate cake on the table and a fresh pot of tea. "Always helps me and well it's very quiet and this cake needs eating today so your doing me a favour, really"

"Thank you" said Molly with more tears falling.

"Yes thank you, it's very kind" said Charles.

"Don't mention it my dears" she said heading back to the kitchen.

Molly picked up her fork and began to eat the cake, not really in the mood for it but she decided that it would be rude not to. Her opinion quickly changed the cake was bloody lovely and she then decided that she was going to eat it as quick as possible before the fun police aka Charles reminded her that she was banned from eating anything remotely nice. She soon finished the cake and finished off by licking the last bit of icing off her finger. "My god Molly I've never seen a slice of cake disappear so fast" laughed Charles "anybody would think your starved."

"Well I have been when it comes to all things nice and chocolatey. It's been months. Coco pops are a piss poor chocolate substitute, ditto pop tarts"

"What so you don't really like coco pops? You ate them all the time".

"Like I said desperate times an all that. Me mam sent me some chocolate in my first care package but well you can imagine how that turned out".

They paid for their lunch but Doris refused to accept payment for the cake stating it was her treat. Walking back Molly asked Charles what he would of done if a solider had presented unable to work due to PTSD. "I would like to think that I would have done the right thing, refer on to a doctor and let the medical specialists take it from there. Any solider not 100% on it, is a danger to themselves and to their section. You know from your first tour how much you all looked out for each other all the time if you cannot remain focused then as an officer it would have been my job to ensure you get the help you need to get back on track."

Molly nodded she understood that she would not be able to watch the backs of others while she couldn't even look after herself but Charles made it all sound so easy, so cut and dried. "Do you think Vince could give me some pointers on what to say? I really haven't got a clue were to start"

"We can but ask, I'll ring him".

As they reached home Charles went into the living room to make the call and Molly headed up to the bathroom. She walked through the door into a sea of chewed up and shredded toilet roll which covered the bathroom floor like a thick layer of snow. "Charles, you'd better come up here quick" she shouted down the stairs "we've got loo roll situation going on here" Molly was trying to suppress a giggle.

Charles ran up the stairs and stood on the landing "what the fuck. Barney get your fury little arse here" he shouted. He began to search the house for the illusive dog. "Come on Barney show your face" he said walking down the stairs. Molly spotted said fury bum poking out from under the spare bed his tail waging with every call of his name. She was full on giggling now, tears of laughter streaming down her face, her jaw aching and legs crossed because she desperately needed to pee. "Molly it's not fucking funny stop laughing will you and help me find the sodding dog"

"He's ... up ... here" she managed between laughing.

"Molly" she just pointed to the spare room where there was a steady beat from the wagging tail. "Barney you little twat" he said in his captain stern face voice. "Get out, get out now" slowly the wagging stopped and Barney crawled out. Barney gave Charles his best 'sorry but the toilet roll fell apart all over the floor, nothing to do with me' face. "Bad dog" he shouted.

"Aw come on look at those sorry little puppy dog eyes. How can you be mad at him?"

Later on Molly was speaking with Vince on the phone. "What do you think I should say? I'm not good at explaining myself. I just wish it was something visible I could show him like a broken leg or something"

"I know it's not easy all you can do is try to tell him how your feeling. You can explain you've seen me and I believe it's PTSD."

"I'm dreading it, what if he thinks I'm lying?"

"Molly you won't be the first soldier he's seen and you won't be the last. I'm sure Charles has told you that all captains are trained to spot the signs. There's protocol to follow."

"He's a right Rupert you know. A full on miserable old git"

"I think you were maybe spoiled with your first one, what with him being eye candy" Molly laughed. "Anyway have you done your homework yet?"

"No not yet, promise I'll do it before I see you" replied Molly.

"Ok, how's the black eye? Is it starting to fade?"

"We're at the green to brown stage of the bruise rainbow. I'm sure the woman in the tea shop today thought if belted him one. Mind you she gave us chocolate cake in sympathy" laughed Molly.


	7. Chapter 7

So sorry about the long delay in uploading the next instalment. Stupidly thought I would get chance to write loads over the Christmas break, how wrong was I? I've spent the entire time building Lego, rebuilding Lego and clearing up Lego not to mention being referee to arguing children. Anyway with the new year fast approaching I have added yet another resolution to my ever growing list and that is to get my finger out and finish this story, so here goes. Please read and review for me? Thank you and happy new year to one and all. Much love x

Chapter 7

"It's official I am proper shitting myself here" said Molly. The first words she had spoken since getting in the car 30 minuets ago.

"You have a lovely command of the English language Molly"

"Now is not the time to take the piss. I'm really worried".

"Don't be, just say everything we have gone over" they had gone over everything several times with each other and once with Vince.

Pulling up at the gate house Charles stopped the car. "I wish I come come in with you but I've got to stop here now that I'm no longer military."

"Really?" Molly looked at him with her lost eyes.

"Yes I would need clearance to get through now. You know that"

"I know I just conveniently forgot, see you later. I'll text when I'm done"

"Chin up Molls. Just think it's half an hour no more and me and Barney will be waiting here for you" Charles reached out and grabbed her hand as she was climbing out of the car. The action pulled here back into the seat and she looked at him. "I love you." He reached over and kissed her briefly.

He watched Molly walk through the gate house and down the long driveway towards the offices and buildings beyond. She looked so sad and lonely, it was heart breaking to watch. He wished more than anything that he could carry out the appointment for her or at the least be able to go with her. He was worried that she wouldn't be able to get her point across, that she would get upset and flustered or worse still play down her symptoms and agree to return to work.

He sat in the car for a short while before giving in to Barney's whines and decided to get him out for a leg stretch. Just at that point a large Mercedes pulled up at the gate house. "James is that you? Yes it thoughts so" stated the occupant causing Charles to turn in the direction of the car.

"Hello sir" replied Charles smiling at Major Beck.

"What brings you here? I thought you were done with the army"

"I'm waiting for Molly. She has just gone for a meeting with her CO" replied Charles.

"How is she doing? Did she enjoy her latest tour?" Charles had advised Major Beck of his relationship with Molly during his discharge interviews so the relationship was out in the open now. Major Beck had always been a big supporter of Molly ever since her first mention in despatches.

"It went well to start with but something happened at the end that has triggered PTSD. She in there now trying to explain that she is not fit to return to active service at the moment" he nodded to the barracks.

"Right ok I see. Who's she seeing?" Asked Major Beck.

"Captain Johnson, not somebody I'm too familiar with"

Major Beck puffed out his cheeks. "He's really not the most understanding or sympathetic officer I have. You best come with me Charles"

"Ok sir thank you" he looked down at Barney.

"Green" Major Beck called into the gate house and private walked out "take the dog for me please"

"Yes sir, certainly sir" and he took the lead from Charles.

**OG**

Molly was getting more agitated holding her shit together was hard enough but the fact that she had been left waiting for over 10 minuets while she could hear Captain Johnson on the phone arranging a golf match did little to ease her tension. Finally he called her in. "So then Dawes tell me why you had to see me today, what couldn't wait till Monday?"

Molly took a deep breath "I won't be here on Monday I'm not fit for active service at the moment."

"What do you mean Dawes? You look fit and well to me, not trying to swing a big of extra leave are you?"

"I think I have post traumatic stress disorder sir." The captain raised an eye brow "Panic attacks, nightmares, anxiety and depression, you know."

"So your wrestling the black dog Dawes, you just need to shake it off."

"Sorry sir you've lost me"

"Depression Dawes, you need to shake it off and get back to normal"

"What, you think it's that easy? Some days I feel so low it takes everything for me to just get out of bed. I'm a mess sir, I can't look after myself. I can't even go to the shops on my own". She could feel herself start lose it, her voice was starting to wobble and she could feel tears starting to burn and threaten to fall. Crying was the last thing she wanted to do, the fact that she couldn't control it was making her angry.

"Look Dawes it's not like your facing another posting, you've done enough time away recently. You'll just be here carrying out drills and training exercises"

Molly stood up the chair scrapping along the floor making a loud noise "your not listening to me sir, I can't come back and if you cannot understand this and get me the help I need, well then you can stick..." Molly was cut off mid rant she turned round swiftly as she heard a knock and then someone enter the room. "Sir" she said standing to attention as Major Beck entered the room.

"Dawes with me, Captain I'll take this form here" he said holding the door open for Molly. She followed him down the corridor to his office. Worried she was going to get one hell of a bollocking for losing her temper. He held the door open and Molly walked in to find Charles stood in the corner of the room.

"Are you ok?" Asked Charles walking towards her. Molly just shook her head not trusting herself to speak.

"Charles can you sort some drinks out? Molly looks like she could do with a cup of tea."

"Certainly sir. Can I ask what happened?"

Molly retold the events including the wrestling with the black dog comment. Major Beck was appalled. "If ever there was a training need. That man is impossible such behaviour would of been acceptable 20 or 30 years ago but not now, not anymore. I will see that this never happens again Molly I give you my word". Molly simply nodded. Charles handed her a cup of tea and a coffee each for himself and the Major.

"Right now Molly, Charles has been filling me in on things and thank god he did may I add. I will fast track you an appointment to see a doctor and then let them refer you on to a councillor or whatever treatment they see fit"

"Thank you sir, I've already had one session with Vince, Vince er I don't know his second name."

"Green" interjected Charles.

"Yes Vince Green at Headley Court. I'd like to stick with him if that's possible"

"I'll see what we can do"

They talked for a further 15 minuets and Charles explained about his plans to improve a run down house he'd purchased while Molly was on tour. Soon it was time to leave. "Charles look after Dawes for us, she is an asset to the British army, too good to be lost. But Molly" he turned to address her directly "there is no rush what so ever, we need you fighting fit literally so take as long as you need ok?"

"Yes sir, thank you sir" she replied.

**OG**

"Feel better?" asked Charles are the reached the motorway.

"I do, I really do but I'm so tired" she said yawning and stretching in the seat "and I'm hungry too."

"I'm not surprised you've hardly slept or eaten since Wednesday. What do you fancy to eat?"

"I'd love some fish and chips"

"Ok won't be long till were back."

Later stood in the fish and chip shop

Charles ordered fish and chips twice wrapped "can I eat mine in the car?" Asked Molly.

"No" said Charles with a horrified face.

"Please I'm starving"

"No, no way"

"Not even for me?"

"Molly you know I would do anything for you and I mean anything but I cannot allow you to eat stinky fish in my beautifully clean car. Now come on, the longer we spend discussing this the longer you have to wait to eat it."

After finally eating her lunch Molly moved from the table to the sofa, curled up and promptly fell asleep. Leaving Charles to ring her mum and give her an update and also Vince too.


	8. Chapter 8

**As promised a slightly quicker update for you. Sorry if the session with Vince isn't true to life but I have had the good fortune never to have needed counselling. Mind you if my stroppy hormonal 10 year old carries on I may change my mind and book a session or two to help me cope. And if it's with a fit ex army captain then there's a bonus. Also sorry it's a bit of a longer one but I was caught with the too short or too long problem so went with the last option.**

 **As always please read and review for me, if for no other reason than to let me know that your still out there reading this and it's not complete drivel.**

Chapter 8

"Are you sure you won't come with me?" Asked Charles checking that Molly was still sure she didn't want to go and spend the day in Bath with Sam.

"Yes I said so didn't I? I'll be fine here with Barney."

"I'm sure he'd really like to meet you though?"

"I know but not while I'm like this eh? I want him to see the real Molly."

"Ok, ok if your really sure I'll leave you to it. I've walked Barney so he should be ok and there's bread and soup for lunch and a stew ready to go in the oven later. I will be back in time for dinner."

"God will you stop fussing and just bloody go? It's fine, I will be fine, we will be fine won't we Barney boy?"

"Ok point taken, I'll get off so that I can watch Sam's football match. I'll see you later"

"Bye, have a nice time" said Molly pulling the duvet back up to her neck and snuggling down.

Charles left reluctantly. He didn't want to leave without her but he'd missed seeing Sam last week and had made a promise to watch his match today.

**OG**

The pair were sat eating lunch in the vast kitchen at Royal Crescent.

"Mum says your not living here anymore, she said you've not been here for ages."

Christ nothing gets past that woman thought Charles. "How the ..., What gives her that idea?" Charles was convinced that Rebecca had sent her son on a fishing mission. It was the kind of thing she did rather than asking him directly.

"She said you haven't been answering the phone" said Sam innocently.

"Well I have been away with Barney helping a friend who's a bit poorly."

"Who daddy?"

"It's Molly. You met her when I was in hospital. Do you remember the girl in the army uniform?"

"Oh yes I liked her, she was funny. What's wrong with her? Has she got a cold or chicken pox or something?"

"No Scamp if only. She's seen some bad things that have made her sad. I'm trying to make her happy again".

"Oh, can't you tell her some jokes or tickle her feet? That always makes me laugh"

Charles just shook his head. "It's a kind of long term sad, but with the right help we'll get her there son, I'm sure of that."

Sam sat there for a while before announcing "I'll draw a happy picture dad, well that help?"

"I'm sure she will love it. I'm just going to give her a call to make sure she's ok Scamp. I won't be a minuet."

Charles picked up his mobile "Hi it's me, are you ok?"

"Yes I'm good thanks. Yes I'm up and dressed. You'd be proud of me I've been to the shop for some paper and a magazine. Without panic attack or incident"

"Well done Molly. I would be proud of you for even attempting it, I'm extremely proud that you did it. I expected you to stay home all day. Have you eaten?"

"Yep I had a sandwich an hour ago" Molly said lying through her teeth, she made a mental note to throw two slices of bread away. She didn't want to tell Charles that the king sized snickers had curbed her appetite so much that she didn't fancy lunch.

"What are your plans for this afternoon?"

"Well I've got a full issue of Hello to read and I really must do my homework for Vince."

"Ok well I'll be home about 6.30 so if you put the stew in the oven on low at 4ish it should be ready for 7pm"

"Ok stop fussing will you, I think even I can manage that"

"I love you, see you later"

"Ditto"

Later on while Charles was dropping Sam off he wondered if he should tell Rebecca about Molly, he decided to leave her with the few bits of information he'd given Sam. If she needed him she could ring him mobile like a normal person.

"Wait dad" shouted Sam running up stairs leaving Charles and Rebecca in an awkward silence at the doorway.

"He won his match today. Scored the winning goal too" said Charles trying to strike up a conversation.

"Oh good" she replied still stood there arms folded.

"Here dad" said Sam handing over a stuffed elephant. "Give Bingo to Molly to make her happy"

"Sam that's so sweet but what of you need him during the week?"

"I'll be fine, as mum says there's a room full up there".

Charles hugged his son. "That's a beautiful thing to do Scamp. I'll see you next weekend, be a good boy for your mum and remember I love you"

"Bye dad"

"And learn your spellings. Goodnight Rebecca" he turned and walked back to the car.

**OG**

"Hi Molly I'm back" shouted Charles walking into the freezing hallway. He continued into the living room and could see piles of screwed up paper on the table. He picked one up to read, it was titled Molly's death list. Shit he thought. He walked into the kitchen, there on the worktop was the loaf of bread and tin of soup he'd left out for lunch and the casserole dish with uncooked stew waiting for the oven. The back door was wide open "Molly, Barney?" He called out.

"I'm out here"

"What are you doing out here it's freezing" he looked at Molly's tear stained face. "Is it the list?" She just nodded. "I knew I shouldn't of left you" he pulled her up in a hug.

"Yes you should, I did good today all the way to the shops and back without incident. Aren't you proud?"

"Of course I am, I said before didn't I. Have you eaten?"

"Not since this morning. Oh fuck, your stew, I'm so sorry"

"It's fine. Chinese?" Molly nodded as walked back in doors. "What were you doing out there anyway? It's freezing in here the door must of been open for ages"

"I let Barney out for a pee and he brought me a ball to play with. I was feeling guilty that he'd missed out on a normal long walk so we've been playing" Molly sniffed again. Her nose was running now she'd come in out of the cold, her cheeks burning bright red. "Can we light the fire, think it's gone out"

After dinner Charles asked to see the list. She passed him a folded piece of paper. He opened it to see...

 _Molly's death list_

 _People I have killed - Badria_

 _People who died because of me - Sohail, Maytham, Nasaire._

 _People who died because I failed them - Smurf._

 _People who's lives I've fucked up - Charles, Bashira._

 _People I've let down - myself, Charles, Major Beck, Smurf, my section, Candy, my family._

"Molly"

"Hmm" she said sleepily from her spot on the sofa.

"You've not fucked my life up not in slightest. I've got you and that's all that matters, yes there might of been a tiny little injury, a scratch or two"

"Stop don't you ever play down your injuries and what happened that day on the bridge, not ever do you hear me?" Shouted Molly now wide awake and very angry. "You might not think it was much but Smurf told me they'd resuscitated you three times, that's three times you nearly died. I can't deal with that so don't ever make light of it. Do you understand?"

"Yes sorry I was just trying to say that out of it all I've got you. That's all. I'm sorry I upset you Mols." He reached forward and wrapped his arms round her pulling her in for a deep kiss.

**OG**

Monday morning.

"Come in Molly, sit down. Do you want a cup of tea?"

"Yes please Vince" replied Molly walking over to the arm chairs.

"How are you doing? Feel better after Friday?"

"Yes much thanks. I can't believe how much of a knobber my CO was though. I was on my feet ready to tell him to stick his job when Major Beck walked in."

"Shouldn't of happened Molly" said Vince shaking his head. "How's the black eye doing?" He said changing the subject.

"Oh that's pretty much gone thank god. I never did tell you how it happened did I?"

Molly then explained the whole maggot fiasco. Vince was trying his best to remain professional but it was difficult. He walked over with the two cups of tea and a small dish of Cadburys Hero's. "Help yourself Molly" he nodded to the dish "Have you done your homework?"

"I have I even had to go to shops on my own yesterday to get the paper" she replied getting the over folded piece of paper out of her pocket and handing it over.

"You've really given this some serious thought. Right what I'm going to do is pass you some highlighter pens, I want you to highlight the names first tour, second tour and then any others. That way it will be easier for us to discuss the order we talk about each person"

"Ok" Molly took the pens. She highlighted Maytham and Nasarie in pink. Charles, Smurf, Bashira, Badria, Sohail, Major Beck, Candy and Two section all in yellow and finally her family in green.

"Right Molly. What I would suggest is we talk about Maytham and Nasarie first. Both from your second tour correct? And not related to anybody else on the list."

Molly nodded "yes they were top guys. I went back to Afghan for a second tour because I couldn't get my head back to normal after the first tour. I think because the first ended the way it did I had no closure on it". She reached for a chocolate. "Cheers for these, an improvement on milkyway. Anyway Maytham and Nasarie were like a double act. Officially there to translate but we soon became friends. They used to play tricks and jokes, they made the three months fly by. They both had children which I used to play with and Maytham had a beautiful baby girl, she was just adorable."

"What happened Molly?"

She reached for more chocolate. "It was my last day. All our medics had passed the course and they had arranged a special meal for me with their families before I left. They had gone to the market at my request to get some cheese pastry things and some honey buns. If only I hadn't asked them to go" Molly trailed off in tears.

"Take your time" said Vince handing over a box of tissues.

"I desperately didn't want to turn into a snotty mess."

"It's ok, pretty much expected to be honest. When you go over these memories, the good and the bad they bring back the emotions. Try and tell me what happened"

"They didn't come back from the market, that's what happened. I was left in the room at the university waiting for their return and it never happened" she sniffed and reached for another chocolate. "I was sat there with both families when a man came in and spoke to the women. I didn't have a clue what was said at the time but they wailed and screamed, the sound was awful the children joined in and I was left holding the baby. It was only later I was told that they had both been killed by a car bomb in the market. I wasn't able to express my sorrow or condolences as there was nobody to translate for me. Family came and kind of took over the situation and I was soon left alone. I was numb and in shock, I felt so totally guilty and responsible. I was collected and taken back to base and then flown straight back to Brise. I had been told to take leave which pretty much took me to today."

"Hardly your fault though, you can't be responsible for every random suicide bomber Molly"

"Maybe be not but I feel it, if they hadn't gone to the market for me they would still be alive and that's what makes me responsible"

"It's just a tragic accident though. You know one of those if only moments. If only they'd stop to tie a shoe lace or to help the old woman cross the road. You know that kind of thing."

"I know but it just all happened so quick, so fast that in no time they were surrounded by family and lead away. I couldn't say sorry. I don't know if they blame me for their loss you know. Just nothing."

"I think that's a religion or cultural thing though Molly. They have to burry their dead before sunset"

"Yer maybe but it's still hard to get your head round. For us it's ages int it, you know between the death and the funeral. How do they even grieve doing it that fast?"

"Differently Molly, they grieve differently." Molly was starting to look a little brighter. "Has talking helped?"

"Yer I think so, I've never spoke about what happened to anybody til today. Not even Charles knows. I just couldn't bare to talk about it."

"Ok next week we can start to look at somebody from your first tour, I recognise some of the names from talking to Charles but not all of them"

"Ok who first?"

"Well you chose where to start and we'll build up from there."

"Any homework this week boss?"

"No your free to go and enjoy yourself Molly. Take care"

Molly got up to walk out. "Bye Vince and thank you"


	9. Chapter 9

**I've been gathering quite a few of these quote type things off Facebook and thought this one fitted very well with what our Molly would be going through at this time.**

 _ **"Depression is were you don't really care about anything. Anxiety is were you care too much about everything. Having both is just hell."**_

 **I've tried to cover this along with the light and dark mood swings in this chapter. The inner battle of a tormented mind. It's a bit of a filler chapter, more descriptive that anything but I hope it's ok and I've not bored you all to death. Either way please read and review for me.**

Chapter 9

A routine built up over the next couple of weeks. Molly was learning to cope with her nightmares and was managing to either get back off to sleep or sneak off downstairs without waking Charles. The increase in sleep was making a huge difference.

Molly had been to two further sessions with Vince. Each had consisted of tea and chocolates. She had spoke about Bashira, how she was the catalyst. The one single thing that had caused the entire first tour to snowball. She had still felt an overwhelming sense of guilt regarding the little girl but talking to Vince had helped to put everything into perspective. Badria's death had also been discussed. Molly had explained about that split second, that shoot or be killed moment. Yes shoot to maim would of been the best option but if Badria had shot her the chances were that Charles would have almost definitely died, quite possibly Smurf and maybe some of the others too. She had talked about seeing him in various places since being home and Vince had explained that it was normal to see people who spent so much time in your subconscious appear in your every day life and that as time went on they would appear less but possibly never disappear completely.

Molly and Charles had spent more time out and about. They often went to Doris's tea room for lunch and had got to know her well enough to allow her granddaughter to look after Barney one day so they could hire some bikes go out mountain biking around the South Downs Way. The day had started off well until they reached a difficult section. Charles was obviously confident riding in the countryside but for Molly it was a slightly different matter. Yes she'd ridden in woods before when she was on basic it was nothing like this. This coupled with Charles's long legs and she was lagging behind.

"Oi wait for me will you, we ant all got bloody long legs"

"Keep up Dawesy you don't want to get left behind lost in the hills" Charles laughed in reply.

Charles sped off round a bend and Molly didn't see him anymore. She had reached a particularly difficult stage that was very rocky. Inexperience and lack of concentration caused her to hit a rock with the front wheel of the bike, she flew over the handle bars and ended up in a muddy puddle. "For fucks sake" she shouted in rage as she got up and assessed the damage. A grazed hand, a bruised knee and very soggy bum. 'Just bleeding perfect' she thought picking the bike up off the floor and walking. There was no way she was attempting to get back on.

Ten minuets later she reached the end of the course. "What happened to you?"

"Take a guess muppet, I said I wanted to go down the green trail didn't I? But oh no you had to go red didn't you" she snapped.

"It was only the amber trail I promise"

A young man came over to take Molly's bike away. "You might wanna check the front wheel mate" said Molly handing over the bike. "Took quite a hit"

"No problem Miss, if you'd like to get cleaned up there are toilets round the back of the bike hut"

Molly walked back to the car after cleaning herself up the best she could. Her temper was starting to subside. Charles was arranging the dog towel over the passenger seat. "Terrific I get to sit on the bleeding dog towel"

"Come on Molls I can't have the leather ruined, it's not far and we can go home get changed and then go for tea and cake at the tea room."

"Your creeping Charles James and you owe me far more than a slice of cake for this!"

"Is it that obvious?" He asked reaching over and grabbing Molly's hand to kiss it.

"Argh" screamed Molly as Charles accidentally squeezed the graze.

"Oh shit sorry Molly. I didn't realise you were hurt, I just thought you'd fallen in a puddle."

**OG**

Friday morning Molly heard Charles finish a telephone call just as she was walking downstairs still towel drying her hair. "Who's on the phone?" She asked.

"Just my mum. They're back from holiday and wanted to know when we would be returning B-dog"

"Oh really?" Said Molly as tears sprung to her eyes. She had never considered herself to be a dog lover but she had really become attached to Barney. He was such good company, he would often come down in the night and sit with her. She also knew he could lift her dark moods just by crawling under the covers and licking her face til she gave in and got up. Along with Charles Barney had given her reason and purpose. She turned away and walked into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. She didn't want Charles to see her so upset.

"I was thinking we've got two days til I take him home on Sunday so we can have one day in the woods on squirrel patrol and the other digging holes at the beach. What do you reckon?"

"Yer what ever" replied Molly still in the other room, still trying desperately to stop tears falling from her eyes.

So that's just what they did. However, a good hour on Friday was spent trying to get Barney back on his lead after he'd been chasing a rabbit and then Molly spent another hour bathing him after he'd decided to roll in what Charles thought was fox poo. While Charles fumigated his car.

"I'll tell you what I'll be glad to see the back of you, your nothing but a nuisance. You little shit rolling article" said Charles who was still annoyed about the state of his car.

"Aw don't say that" said Molly. Her eyes brimming with tears.

"Well it's true, we will be able to come and go as we please"

"If that means more mountain biking you can ram it" said Molly walking away. She tried not to cry when she fed Barney his dinner and again when he tried to pinch hers. There was more tears at bedtime. She just couldn't help it.

The following morning Molly felt so down, she tried to shake it off but the usual Barney cuddles were just making the situation worse and the tears surfaced again.

Eventually she dragged herself out of bed and once up and dressed they headed out for another day at the beach. In the end Molly had to admit she enjoyed running on the beach, encouraging Barney to dig holes and playing fetch. They had also walked up along the top of the cliffs, enjoying the views and looking for signs of wildlife in the hedgerows.

It was later when they got home Charles was cooking dinner and Molly was starting to tidy up ready to lay the table. As she moved yesterday's newspaper a pale blue envelope fell out. It was addressed to Charles and was obviously a birthday card. Her mind went into overdrive. She'd missed his birthday, what kind of shit girlfriend doesn't know when her boyfriends birthday is? She tried desperately to cast her mind back to this time last year, but there was no memory of Charles's birthday. He was the captain and she was just a lowly newbie private trying to find her feet on her first tour, trying her best to impress him. Another question spinning round her head was why would he keep his birthday from her? She didn't want to ask him as she didn't want him to know how crap she really was.

Feeling totally fed up with the mornings dark mood rapidly returning Molly made her excuses and headed off seeking solace in a bath and an early night.

Charles didn't know why Molly's recent good moods had faded he just put it down to the PTSD and depression, he hoped she would pick up again in the next few days.

**OG**

Sunday arrived and Charles set off to Bath with Barney on his own. He'd been hopeful earlier in the week that Molly might join him but after the last couple of days he knew she would want to stay at the cottage without him. He didn't like leaving her at the best of times, but today was worse than ever.

Each week during the drive to Bath he would ring Molly's mum and give her an update, this week was no exception. Charles explained Molly's current state, that he didn't know what had triggered the change or how he could improve the situation.

Belinda was then relaying the conversation to Molly's Nan who was sitting in the kitchen with her. "Well I reckon that she's been tiptoed around for long enough. Leave it to your old mum to sort out!" Stated Nan.

"Oh I don't know" replied Belinda.

Charles overheard what Nan had said. "That's not what I was ringing for, I'm not sure it will help" said Charles desperate for Nan not to get involved. He didn't want Molly to think he had gone behind her back. "I really think she's better to be left to get over it in her own time. It could just be something as simple as worrying over tomorrow's session with Vince."

"Can't hurt to ring for a chat" said Nan picking up her mobile and walking out of the kitchen.

"Sorry love" said Belinda to Charles "it's hard to change her mind when she gets the bit between her teeth. I let you know how she gets on."

The call ended and Charles continued on his journey.

**OG**

Molly looked at her mobile. Four missed calls from Nan and a text message. Molly looked at the text.

 _Pick up the damn phone or I'll get on the next train Molly's Dawes. I'm warning you, five minutes till I get me coat on. Nan xx_

Oh shitting hell thought Molly.


	10. Chapter 10

**Thought I should take my own advice, show some human decency, dig in and crack on with this story. Just wish I could connect a usb cable from my head to PC and download what's floating around in there. Granted most of it would be utter rubbish but the rest might make a half decent story.**

A visit from Nan. That was the last thing she wanted so she rang back. "Alright Nan, what do you want?"

"Just ringing for chat with my granddaughter, it's allowed isn't it?"

"Suppose" replied Molly.

"Are you looking after yourself? Are you up and dressed?"

"Not yet Nan but I will in a bit"

"No you'll do it now while I'm on the phone. You need to pull yourself together young lady. Your mum has been speaking to that fella of yours this morning. Says your not in a good way at the moment"

"So that's the reason for your call? I'm just a bit down Nan that's all" replied Molly.

"It's more than a bit int it? Are you gonna tell your old Nan what's eating you?"

Molly reluctantly explained about Barney going home and the missed birthday and how bad she felt.

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know Nan. Nothing I can do about B-dog, he was always going home when

Charles's parents came back. I was stupid to get attached really. But about the birthday, I just can't face getting a train somewhere to get Charles a decent present."

"I can't sort the dog out for you but I do have an idea about the missed birthday. Get off your arse and bake him a birthday cake. That will show him that you care. Give you something to do as well."

"I don't know if I can. Apart from the fact I'm shit at cooking and I've never baked a cake in my life, I'd have to go out and get the stuff." She said walking downstairs and putting the kettle on.

"Your putting obstacles in your way Molly, you know that. You've been to the shops before your mum told me that you have"

Molly opened the fridge door to get the milk out and saw a yellow post-it note stuck on the bottle 'I love you C x' was written inside a big heart. Another heart was found on the tea bags. Molly smiled and thought for a moment.

"Your right Nan I reckon I could do that. I've been to the shops on my own before and I was ok. It will only take 10 minutes there and back"

"That's my girl. I said I'd be able to pick you up. Now I'm right here if you need me"

"Yer like your bleeding Mary Berry"

The call ended and Molly went and got dressed. She googled cake recipes, found one she liked the look of and wrote a shopping list. 'Right come on Molls you can do this' she said to herself as she set off on her way.

Half an hour later and Molly had creamed the butter and sugar together 'add the eggs one at a time' she read allowed following the instructions. 'Sift in the flour, cocoa powder and tea spoon of baking powder'. Baking powder! She hadn't seen that when she was writing out the list. How much difference can a teaspoon of something make? She wondered.

She rang Nan for advice but the call went to voice mail. Instead of waiting for a reply she continued pouring the mixture into the cake tins and placing them in the oven.

She constantly checked the cakes and after the allotted time took them out of the oven. Molly's cakes looked more like biscuits and not the big deep chocolate cake in the picture. She couldn't ice this it was shit, she wanted it to be perfect. 'Right I'm going to have to get the sodding baking powder and try again' she thought. Molly grabbed her purse and headed out the door again.

She stopped in the street clutching the baking powder and additional butter and eggs. She could see a rescue helicopter flying over the sea. She stood and watched mesmerised - just watching reminded her of when the MERT left the check point with Charles and she didn't know if he would survive. She stood watching for what felt an age until she heard a sound, a sound so terrifying. A lorry had pulled up behind her and the driver had opened the roll up shutter at the rear which made a loud clattering noise. To Molly in the instant staring at the helicopter the noise sounded like the rapid fire of a machine gun. The noise made her jump and the eggs fell to the floor. Molly started to run to the nearest place she knew she would feel safe, the tea shop which was just three doors down.

Molly barged through the door and sat at a table. She began to attempt Vince's grounding technique but wasn't having much success because the only thing she could hear was the rapid fire. "Molly are you ok dear?" Asked Doris shuffling over "Agata can you get Molly a pot of tea?" She asked her assistant.

Molly looked up with tears in her eyes. "The helicopter and ... that noise, it just took me back" she stammered.

"Took you where dear?" Asked Doris.

"Back to Afghan, when Charles nearly died and it was all my fault" she sniffed. "I was ok till I saw that"

"Oh my, I didn't realise you had been in the army, your such a small thing and I didn't think they let women on the battle field"

Molly explained her role as a medic and how Charles had been her CO. How they had fallen in love and how it had all gone to shit on that fateful day. She also explained briefly about her PTSD.

"Where's your other half today? I never see you apart"

"He's gone to Bath to see his son and to take Barney back to his mum now that she back off her holidays. I was at home trying to bake a cake for his birthday but well it didn't turn out right because I forgot this you see" she said holding up the baking powder. Molly's tummy rumbled.

"Have you eaten lunch Molly?"

Molly shook her head and realised that she ate nothing since lunch yesterday. "No not today".

"Agata can you get Molly a cheese toastie please" asked Doris. "You need to look after yourself better Molly it's nearly 2 o'clock"

"I wasn't thinking this morning just trying to bake this sodding cake. I wanted to do one just like yours, you know the one you brought over the day I was crying"

"Well I'll tell you what dear, you eat your lunch and then we'll go in the kitchen and bake that man of yours one of my chocolate fudge cakes. How does that sound?"

"I can't let you do that I've taken up enough of your time"

"You can, I'm the owner so I can do what I like, when I like and at 76 nobody is going to stop me."

"Your 76? You don't look it. Why are you still working shouldn't you be putting your feet up?" Said Molly tucking into her lunch, she hadn't realised just how hungry she was til now.

"I tried retirement but it didn't suit. I like being here, keeps me active and I have Agata to do all the running around, don't I dear?" She shouted to her assistant.

**OG**

In Bath Charles was sitting in the kitchen with his mother while Sam and his dad were in the attic looking for the Christmas decorations.

"How's Molly getting on?" Asked Margaret. "I thought she'd be with you today".

Charles sadly shook his head. "Earlier this week I was hopeful that she might have joined me but over the last couple of days she's been really down again."

"Do you know why?"

"No idea mum"

"What about Vince? Is she still seeing him?"

"Yes the sessions seem to be going very well. Her nightmares and panic attacks are starting to subside. In fact everything was going really well until Friday morning then she just became tearful and withdrawn." Charles reached for his coffee. "It could be worry over tomorrow's session, she's usually quiet before hand, mind you never like this. I just don't know what to do mum!" He said running her hands through his already disheveled hair.

"Charles seriously can you not see the obvious?" Margaret said shaking her head. "Can you not put two and two together? It's Barney! I rang you on Friday morning it all ties in with Molly's being depressed, am I right?"

"I just thought it was the PTSD, didn't think it would be something closer to home, I was looking for links to Afghan"

"Take him back Charles, see if he helps. Couple more weeks won't hurt and he's obviously enjoying being with you"

"Are you sure mum?"

"Positive son. Go now and cheer up that girl of yours"

** OG**

Molly spent the afternoon with Doris chatting away about this and that. The cake was cooling on a rack by the window and they were currently in the process of making a lasagna for Molly to take home for dinner. "When I was your age I had depression you know. Two years of it."

"What happened?"

"I had a baby boy who was still born, I blamed myself and closed down. Cost me my husband, my job and my home. It was just me and Katie struggling on our own till one day she tried to make me feel better by giving me her favourite teddy to cuddle, it was like a wake up moment, a turning point."

"That's so sad"

"Life has knocked me down a few times I'll tell you Molly. It has shown me things I have never wanted to see. I have experienced great sadness and failure but one things for sure I always get up eventually, that time took longer than most it was a learning curve." she smiled.

"How did you get over it"

"I picked myself up and slowly started again. But it was different back then, depression just wasn't talked about it was just brushed under the carpet. Its not easy Molly but you'll get there I'm sure of that. Right I reckon you can start to decorate this cake now"

**OG**

Charles was halfway home on the motorway when he got a call on his mobile from an unknown number. "Hello"

"Hello I'm Molly's nan. I'm worried. I spoke to her this morning and she seemed ok, she was gonna do some baking and I told her to ring me if she had any problems but then I got caught nattering with Fat Pat and missed her call. I've tried ringing her back loads but she's not answering again and I'm starting to worry"

"Right ok. I'm about 30 minutes away I reckon, I'll let you know if she's home as soon as I can". Charles knew that if Molly was feeling down she had a habit of ignoring her phone so he wasn't too alarmed when it went to voicemail when he rang.

As he reached the cottage he could see it was in darkness and he found the front door was locked. He opened the door and checked the house to find it empty but saw Molly's phone on the table. He picked it up and saw 8 missed calls and 2 text messages.

His phone rang again "It's Nan again, where is she?"

"I don't know, she's not at home. I'm going to have a walk around to see if I can find her"

"I'm getting the train, I bleeding knew I should of this morning but she convinced me she would be ok".

"Just give me 10 minutes to have a look around first. I don't want you to have a wasted journey"

"No you listen to me mate. You rang this morning and said she was so depressed, the worst you'd seen her. She hasn't got her phone, she never goes anywhere with out her phone and she's not at home. Is there a note?"

Charles walked back into the cottage to check. He couldn't find a note just a mess of baking equipment dirty bowls and two very flat and burnt looking cakes. "I can't find one" he said.

"I'll tell you what, if anythings happened to that girl I'll hold you personally responsible for leaving her in that state. If she's gone and done something ... something I don't want to think about what, I'll have your balls on a plate and that will be for starters. I brought that girl up from the age of seven when my Belinda decided to become a one woman sprog factory churning out one a year. She means everything to me that girl"

Charles had walked into the garden at this point just to make sure she wasn't sitting outside like she had been previously. No still no sign of Molly, panic was starting to rise but he tried to keep it out of his voice. "I'll check the streets first then I'll think about calling the police ok?" He felt sick with worry. If anything had happened to her he'd never forgive himself either. He had one sole job of keeping her safe and yet again he'd failed her. 'Where the fuck had she gone?' He thought.


	11. Chapter 11

**Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews. I know it has been said time and time again but reviews mean everything. This is slightly happier chapter, a turning point for Molly and they actually do the one thing that is essential to any relationship - they talk.**

Charles walked round to the car to get Barney out the back so that he could start walking the streets, his phone was still pinned to his ear listening to Nan rant on. He opened the boot and was about to fasten Barney's lead when the dog jumped out of the car and ran off. "Oh for fucks sake". He muttered as he turned round to see Molly walking round the corner with Doris, they were deep in conversation and laughing without a care in the world. Barney reached her and was jumping up at her legs. Charles's heart skipped a beat at the sight of her, relief flooded over him. "Nan I've got her, she's safe, she's ok. Look I'll call you back in a minute" he cut the call off and pocketed the phone before Nan could answer.

"Molly!" His instinct was to shout at her in his best army captain voice. To yell how stupid she'd been to leave the house without taking her phone leaving them all to think God knows what had happened. But he looked at her and he couldn't, he didn't want to burst whatever bubble of happiness she was in. By the look of it, whatever she had done today or where ever she had been had done her the world of good, so he bit his lip.

"Oh hi, your early home today? Alright Barney boy what are you doing back?" Said Molly crouching down to fuss the dog. "Hey watch the cake B"

"Hello Charles, can you take this for me please?" Said Doris as she handed over a foil covered lasagne dish. "Right Molly I'll be off, 30 minutes in the oven should do it!"

"Aw Doris thank you so much for today, you've helped me more than you'll ever know" said Molly whilst passing the cake box to Charles to balance in his other hand, she reached round and gave Doris a hug. "Here you don't have to walk Charles will drop you. Won't you Charles?"

Charles nodded still holding the lasagne in one arm and the cake in the other.

"No it's fine, its good exercise and I only live round the corner anyway. Enjoy your birthday Charles." She said as she walked off.

Charles didn't catch the last bit Doris had said as he had his back to them while he emptied his arms balancing the items on the garden wall. "Come here you, I need a hug". Molly walked over into his warm embrace as Charles wrapped his arms tightly round her and rested his head on hers.

"Calm down mate your squashing me" squealed Molly with her face crushed against his chest.

"You had us all worried this afternoon." He moved her back slightly still holding on to her arms so she had to look him in the eyes.

"What are you on about?"

"You went out without your phone. Your nan has been trying to get hold of you for hours. She thought you'd gone and done something daft." He passed Molly her phone with all the missed calls and text messages showing.

"Oh shit sorry has she been chewing your ear off?" Molly laughed.

"It's not funny, she threatened my balls on a plate if any thing had happened to you. Seriously though Molly promise me never to leave your phone." Molly nodded. "Where've you been anyway, what's with the boxes and what the hell happened to the kitchen?"

"Bit of a long story but I was trying to make you a birthday cake"

"Why"

"Well cos I couldn't face shopping for a present."

"No I meant why are you baking me a cake, it's not my birthday. Well not for another 10 days"

"Really? But I saw the card"

"Yes well that would be great auntie Rose. She always gets my birthday mixed up with my cousin Paul. My cards always early and his late. Mum said she told her when she was given the address but I think her minds going a bit"

"Oh well I feel a right muppet. I had it in me head that you were keeping it from me, I'd got in a right state thinking why you would hide it from me and how shit I was for not knowing."

"Oh Molly you should have just asked me". Charles said whilst running a bowl of water in the kitchen sink. "Tell me about the rest of your day?"

"It was Nan's idea to make the cake and she said to ring her if I got stuck but when I tried it went to voice mail."

"That will be when she was chatting with Fat Pat. What sort of a name is that?"

"What Fat Pat? She isn't even fat anymore but the name just stuck. Anyway I forgot the baking powder so the cake turned to shit and then I had to pop back out to shops but I had a bit of a panic attack and legged it to the first place I knew I'd be safe which was the tea shop. Doris helped me to bake this cake and we made the lasagne too. We just spent the afternoon chatting really but I really enjoyed myself"

"Sounds like you did. Shall I get some salad and a bottle of wine to go with dinner?"

"Hang on a minute and I'll come with you while the oven heats up".

Later on whilst eating the 'not birthday tea' Molly plucked up the courage "Why did you bring Barney back? I thought you were looking forward to handing him over"

"It was my mum. She was asking about you and I was telling her about how well you had been doing til Friday and she worked out that it might of been Barney going that made you sad. Was she right?"

"Partly, that was the start and your birthday tipped me over the edge. Could have been avoided if I'd just opened me gob and asked instead of closing in on myself eh?"

"Well I'm as much to blame. I just presumed that it's was something more related to your PTSD and not something closer to home. I should of asked you" he said reaching over and taking her hand. "Let's do a deal. Next time we talk yeah?"

"Deal" said Molly raising her glass. "Right are you ready for cake? But I'll tell you what, seeing as how it's not even your birthday yet you'll have to wait for my singing ok"

Molly walked through from the kitchen carrying the cake, careful not to drop it as Barney was dancing round her legs. "Molly that's absolutely massive. What the hell are we going to do with that? There's no way we can eat it all"

"I know but Doris said she couldn't do half measures, said something about cake tins and timings. Anyway who am I to argue with an expert."

"Fair point you'll have to give Vince as slab" Charles took a bite of the cake "Molly it's amazing"

"I know I'm good aren't I?" Charles laughed. It's funny what can happen in 12 hours he thought.

*OG*

The following day on their way for her appointment with Vince Molly insisted Charles stopped at the Tescos just before they reached the motorway. "Why are we stopping here?" Ask Charles as he pulled into a space.

"It's time to give something back" said Molly cryptically as she got out of the car.

"What on earth are you going to do with all that chocolate?" Asked Charles as Molly climbed back into the car with a big tub of Celebrations.

"They're not for me, I need to repay Vince, each session I've sat and ate his chocolates and now I feel it's time to pay him back. I know I'm not finished yet, I've got three tricky people left to discuss which might take a while. But I do feel on a bit of a turning point"

Charles reached over and planted a kiss on the top of her head "I am really proud of you, you have come so far."

"No you mean we have. I couldn't of done any of this without you. Without you I'd still be at my mums in my PJ's drinking cheap shitty wine that I had to bribe Jade to buy me cos I was too scared to even go to the shops. Anyway come on I don't want to be late."

** OG **

Later as Molly climbed back into the car she gave out a big sigh blowing air towards her eyes in an attempt to quell the burning of tears that were threatening to fall. "Are you ok?" Asked Charles concerned.

"Yep" she sniffed taking another deep breath.

"Who have you been discussing today?" Charles thought that if he knew who the subject matter was he might be able to understand how she was feeling.

"Sohail"

Charles whistled through his teeth. "That was never going to be an easy one. Mind you I doubt any of them are really. It's ok to be sad though".

"I know, I know but I don't want to be sad anymore. Vince has talked me through it all and I know I'm not responsible for the actions of the Taliban, but I can't help feel responsible for the reason that the Taliban took those actions. Anyway it's something I've got to live with. I can't change the past, what happened and how I felt about Sohail at the FOB"

"We all got that wrong Molly" Charles interrupted.

"Let me finish, I can't change the past - it's gone now, but I can try and make the future better. I just have to figure out how cos at the moment I ant got a scoobie, but I know I need to give something back".

"What are you thinking of going back?" Charles was instantly worried. He was loving this happier confident Molly but was worried she would try and run head long into trouble and be back to square one again.

"Calm down. I don't know yet, never say never and all that but for now I need to start small, that's what Doris said she did when she recovered."

"Recovered from what?" Asked Charles.

"She had depression for two years and recovered and had to totally rebuild her life in the process. She said that she did it bit by bit and that's what I'm gunna try and do. Vince says it should work if I take things one step and a time"

"Molly Dawes you never cease to amaze me"

"Shut up you numpty. We need to get going and I'd like you to stop at a florist on the way home. I want to get Doris some flowers to say thank you for yesterday."

Charles shook his head smiling.

"Here did you know that Vince has a cupboard full of chocolate? I thought he just gave me chocolate cos I said you had banned me but turns out that he uses it as a bit of a distraction technique. You know, you don't realise what your talking about while your stuffing chocolate down your neck".

"Does it work?"

"Yeah suppose so. Didn't you get chocolate?"

"No but he always had a decent coffee for me so I suppose that's similar".

As they drove off the mood in the car lifted. Things were good for now...


End file.
